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First National Church of Kezan
The First National Church of Kezan. ' "''You can't take it with you, but you can arrange for a better seat." - Bishop Judas Slipgear The History of the Church: The church was founded in place of a less savage practice such as Shamanism to avoid being seen as tree hugging hippies several thousand years ago just before the peak of the Goblin civilization centered on Kezan. It has been in decline through the past few centuries given Goblin attention spans and the spread of commerce through multiple territories. Largely unchanged since it's founding most Goblins don't view it as the commanding or driving force humans view religion as, more of a guideline, than an absolute. Goblin culture is so heavily steeped in laws and rules the hedonism observed by other races tends to contradict the immense societal pressures to perform. Under achievers can and are summarily rooted out and often used in Hob Goblin experiments because hey, you can always breed more later. Mimicking certain aspects of the human's version of the light the religion is more meant to clear one's conscience should anyone have any deep concerns about the path they are going. While it's questionable that any of it seems to do more than ease a guilty conscience there are enough traveling priests willing to offer the placebo of the light to the downtrodden for a coin or two. The church balances the chaotic nature of the goblins by giving most some grounding, have to order a hit or two? Pay the weight in blood as well as coin and you shall be absolved. Had to purge a cousin who was busy lifting coin from your wallet? Offer the coffers your coin and you gain a speaker on your behalf to testify for your sins you had no other choice. Light and Dark, Greed and Generosity are all subjective on the path to priesthood as a Goblin. The first step towards Goblin Divinity is often heaped with learning the measure of one's memory, much like law practitioners knowing how to bend the yard stick the way you need it to go to reach that coin or absolution one must also know what the laws are to exploit them or use them as they are to benefit yourself. They are to learn the '''Scales of Trade. 'The Hierarchy of the Church' *Bishop - Judas Slipgear *Matron - Roxxei Flipwidget *Matron - Athelia Dawngear *Priestess - Cixtrix 'The Purpose of the Church' Was created on the possibility that there might be an afterlife. No one's really seen it, plenty have talked about it, romanticized it, told horror stories about it. The Goblins themselves aren't totally convinced. The trolls put their stock in spirits and now they're a dying race, the humans followed their light with fervor and diligence and look like a bunch of crazies to the Goblins of Kezan. With no one completely sure what awaits them at the end of the tunnel the best the Goblins could decide was to prepare for the eventuality of maybe having to face up to the things they had done in life. Life for a Goblin is generally short, reaching sexual maturity at the age of 13 as well as complete independence by 16 they live life rather fast and no one is completely sure how long or short that journey will be, and for some finding direction at the behest of a family trade or the church gives them a sense of grounding. Rather than telling their members that they will find an ever lasting hell unless they perform, they tell their members to be productive in their own way in the teachings of the Six Cautions and Six Motivations as none can really tell what awaits them on the other side, the only real punishment is the way their society will treat them if they fail to perform on even the most basic level. The threat of being sold to a Hobber is generally all the motivation a young goblin needs to be reminded of should they be caught being unproductive on Kezan. Slavers are no joke and often know how to use the laws to their advantage to cause a Goblin to disappear. With no footprint on the high end of society, no one would even know the goblin was gone but for close family, even then, had they been a burden to the family it's entirely reasonable none would care. So the church reminds them of their place. A cog in the wheel must turn or it will be replaced. The Airborne Priest Brigade. The best heals anywhere goes with the best deal anywhere after all. An Airborne Priest can go from church to your living room in a matter of minutes depending on the urgency, and if the token mage they usually have loafing about isn't wrapped up in meddling with the time streams instantly! Expediting the services of an Airborne priest is only limited by your purse coins and how okay you are with being bald the rest of your life after your last experiment with the microwave. Die before they arrive? No problem they'll raise your sorry ass from the grave for a moderate fee. Can't pay? They'll just mortgage what ever property you own. And probably take your shoes. Home or business still on fire after they raise you? Well that's not really their department but hey you're breathing right? 'The Scales of Trade' Meant as a short list of answers for any Goblin unsure of what to do in a given situation. The guides have always served as a quick guilt free answer in more than one pinch. : 1. No refunds. 2. Check prices, then check them again. 3. The family that works together, profits together. 4. Never allow kinship to stand in the way of opportunity. 5. Wealth is measured by the sum of your possessions. 6. Open ears, and closed minds, do not deals make. 7. Risk can be equaled only by the amount of small print. 8. Trust your instincts, not every deal is a good one. 9. You may not last a lifetime, but your wealth is eternal. 10. Anything worth doing will always be worth profit. 11. A deal is a deal is a deal, but only between Goblins. 12. A Goblin with no profit isn't a Goblin at all. 13. Satisfaction is never a guarantee. 14. Never put your friends above Profit. 15. When it comes to health, only wealth is more important. 16. The most dangerous thing in a deal, is an honest business. 17. Never make fun of a Goblin's parents, insult someone they care about instead. 18. There's no shame in kissing up to your boss. 19. War is good for business. 20. Peace is good for business. 21. Declare peace every so often, it will confuse your competition. 22. Declare War every so often, it will confuse them further. 23. Never confuse wisdom with luck. 24. Expand or be foreclosed. 25. Never trust someone dressed better than you. 26. The bigger the smile the bigger the bomb. 27. Pleasures and Finances do not mix. 28. Never ask for something you can take. 29. Good customers are the rarest commodity, treat them well. 30. Success cannot be substituted. 31. Genuine advice is seldom free. 32. Keep your lies consistent. 33. The riskier the gamble the greater the profit. 34. Win or lose, there's always Kaja dust. 35. Home is where the heart is, but the world is made of profit. 36. She can touch your foop but she can't touch your profit. (Foop is the translation for Male Genitalia in Gobbish) 37. The more fragile the product the bigger the up-charge. 38. Never tip off the competitors. 39. Ask not what you can do for your profits, but what your workers can for you. 40. Enough is never enough. 41. Every person has their price. 42. Trust is the biggest liability of all. 43. Renewable resources fade, but profit lasts forever. 44. Sleep can interfere with profit. 45. True faith moves mountains, of inventory. 46. There is no dignity in poverty. 47. Treat debtors like family, exploit them. 48. Always screw your boss. 49. Never screw your boss's sister. 50. You cannot free a Goblin from Profit. 51. Everything is for sale, even friendship. 52. Even the blind can recognize profit. 53. The cheapest labor force you can hire is when they can walk. 54. Only fools pay retail. 55. There is nothing wrong with charity, provided it winds up in your pocket. 56. Even at life's darkest hour, someone's making a killing. 57. Whisper your way to success. 58. Always do business, even with your enemies. 59. Lies do nothing to tarnish gold. 60. Reputation is key. 61. When you cannot keep your reputation,'' you keep their money.'' 62. Hear all trust nothing. 63. Never cheat a person, unless you're sure you can get away with it. 64. It is good business to know new customers before they walk in your door. 65. The justification for profit is profit. 66. New customers are like Razorfins, they can be delicious, but other times they bite back. 67. The only thing more dangerous than asking questions, is hearing the answer. 68. Employees are like stepping stones, never hesitate to walk over them. 69. Never negotiate on an empty stomach. 70. Always research before buying. 71. Always be wary of the man who doesn't make time for pleasantries. 72. Gold lasts longer than Love. 73. You cannot buy luck, but you can put the odds in your favor. 74. Never be afraid to mislead. 75. Most is good, all is better. 76. A spouse is a luxury, a smart accountant is a necessity. 77. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience. 78. When in doubt, lie. 79. Deep down, everyone's a Goblin. 80. No good deed will ever go unpunished. 81. Exploitation begins at home. 'The Six Cautions' : Charity - Giving is good in moderation, getting nothing in return leaves you at the mercy of someone else's charity. Laziness - A lazy Goblin turns no coin. Wrath - Can lead a Goblin to make hasty decisions rather than calculated ones. A deal made in anger can be one that sinks more than your profit margin Lust - Can blind a Goblin to obvious pitfalls in business. Misappropriation '''- Always keep a proper record, without it you could be bleeding coin and never know until it's too late. '''Welching - As with connections come new business opportunities, you may also lose them if you are proven unable to fulfill you end of the deal. 'The Six Motivations' Development '''- Cultivate young minds, educate others. Never stop improving for stagnation leads to failure. '''Expansion - Expand expand expand without expansion you deplete your resources and are unable to exploit them later. Profit '''- Profit is it's own reward. Without Profit you have no corner stone. '''Market - Find your niche, but always have a back up. Never stop exploring new opportunities. Reputation - Is much like branding, without standing it is much harder to swindle a fool. Presentation is everything. Investment - Straight and narrow, steady and safe are the paths of the lesser mental races. Taking chances and discovering new paths can only lead to better profit. 'Excommunication!' Where Bad Goblins get stuck when they refuse to pay their church taxes! See: Gigi Bladebane Credit: Gigi Bladebane, Judas Slipgear, Roxxei Flipwidget, Scales of Trade Inspired by the Rules of Acquisition with the Ferengi on DS9. WANT TO USE THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOBLIN'S RELIGIOUS PRACTICES?! You can so long as you acknowledge Bishop Slipgear as the head of the religion. I posted this article for my husband because I felt that Goblins lacked some solidarity in the religious field yet there are so many priests. So if you can do that then by all means say your toon is from The First National Church of Kezan. I know he'd appreciate seeing our idea actually used and RP'd rather than sitting in a wordpad folder on my desktop unused. __NOEDITSECTION__ Category:Organizations Category:Goblin Organizations Category:Religious Organizations Category:Religion